We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
