i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just gift wrapped bread.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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