She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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