You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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