I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My life is pants optional.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
