It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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