Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
