I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
