all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
