Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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