That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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