Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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