wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
