I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
