No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she told me i tasted like america
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
