My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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