So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
