Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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