fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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