Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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