Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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