You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
