is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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