Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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