Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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