chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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