So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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