Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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