fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
from now on my penis is your penis
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
