when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
