for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
