His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
