so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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