Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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