i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
