My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
