What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
