omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
