My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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