Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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