Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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