apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
my shit smells like andre
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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