I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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