I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
