I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
