he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
