it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
