YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
