There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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