the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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