So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
